Common Reactions

How to Help a Friend

Many victims of sexual misconduct disclose what happened to a friend or family member. One of the most important things that a support person can do is believe them. Here are some ways to express concern to a victim of sexual misconduct:

Do:

• Listen to the victim’s story and believe them
• Give the person your full attention when they’re talking to you
• Tell the victim what happened wasn’t their fault
• Remind the person they are not alone
• Tell the victim you are sorry this happened to them
• Share campus and community resources and let them know support is available
• Encourage the victim to talk to a trusted adult if they haven’t already
• Offer to walk the person to one of the campus offices who can support them
• Ask the person what you can do to help
• Ask the person what you can do to help them feel safe
• Tell the victim whatever they are feeling right now is normal
• Let the victim decide how they would like to move forward with handling what happened to them

Don’t:

• Blame the victim for what happened
• Ask what the victim was wearing, where they were or if they were drinking
• Tell the person how they could have avoided what happened
• Tell other people what happened unless the victim asks you to (Unless you are a university employee with mandated reporting obligations)
• Threaten to hurt the person who hurt them
• Pressure the victim into talking with the police
• Force the victim to seek services they don’t want to access at the time
• Tell the victim what they are supposed to do to move past what happened 

It is important for victims of sexual misconduct to make choices regarding how they would like to move forward with what happened. Allowing them to make decisions, big or small, helps them to regain a sense of control. A victim may choose not to take legal action, seek counseling, file a report with the university, seek medical attention, etc. They may just want to forget what happened, which is a completely normal reaction. It is important not attempt to force the victim into taking action or become judgmental if they do not make a decision that you want them to make. As a support person, your role is to provide resources and information, help ensure they are safe and support their decisions regarding how they would like to move forward. This can be difficult, but know what the victim is going through is overwhelming. It is important to respect the victim’s right to do what they are comfortable with at that time. For more information or for consultation, please contact Violence Prevention Education and Advocacy.